My Reward
by cheri1
Summary: 10th Doctor POV. Spoilers for End of Time Part 2. The Doctor's thoughts that are centered around something that happens near the end of the episode.


I must be out of my sodding mind.

What the hell am I doing here? Am I nuts? A glutton for punishment? I've already subjected myself to the torment of saying goodbye to everyone that mattered to me, including asking about Joan from her granddaughter. And now here I am, outside the Powell Estate, lurking in the shadows like some perverted voyeur watching her as she walks towards me with her mum. I shoulda just left well enough alone and left it at Donna's wedding but no, I had to see her one last time with this body's eyes.

And there she is. Walking through the snow, bundled up against the cold, her long hair poking out of a dark purple knitted cap. My angel. The one woman I dared to love and now I'll no longer be able to be with her. As I lean against the wall, my body screaming with pain from the radiation, I stoically watch her, knowing that she probably doesn't even know who I am yet. I asked the TARDIS to take me to a time when she wouldn't know me, just in case. I don't want her seeing me and running to me, thinking I'm her proper Doctor. It's bad enough having to watch her from afar, let alone explain that I'm here from the future, from a time when she's no longer with me.

I close my eyes at the thought. Oh Rose, I wonder what you're doing now. Trapped in another universe with someone who is both me and not me at the same time. I wonder if you've married him, had children, settled down? I hope you're happy, my joy. I hope I made the right decision when I left you with him. I know it was cruel to leave you with him but it was the only way you could truly be happy, even if it is only a copy of me, at least it's a copy that will be able to grow old with you and give you all the love and happiness you truly deserve.

Rose is now a few feet away from me, walking by while Jackie goes on and hurries into the block of flats. I stare at her back, trying not to cry out in agony as the radiation begins to break down my body. Dear God, if there is a God; let me have enough strength to hold on for a little bit longer so I can silently bid her goodbye. I won't have another chance like this, at least not in this life.

Look at her, she's so young and innocent looking. I know It's before we meet but I'm not sure what year.

Then as I shuffle towards the end of the alley, she turns towards me when she hears me. She asks if I'm alright and if I've had a bit too much to drink. Yup, I think wryly as I answer her back, I've had waaaay too much to drink but it wasn't a pint of bitter that entered my body.

Oh, Wilfred, the last person I ever thought would be the one behind the prophecy. When I saw the Master coming back to life, I guessed it was him who would knock four times. But Wilf…never. Once again, I had to absorb radiation to save the life of someone dear to me. I think with a touch of black humor that this sort of death is becoming a habit with me. Will my next death involve radiation and a loved one?

As I speak with Rose, my body aches and it takes all my strength just to keep my composure and not cry out to her to help me. I so want to stagger over and fall into her arms and let her comfort and soothe and care for me, just like she used to. My lover and my protector, unaware at the moment of how much of an impact she'll truly have on my life. I not only have to fight to keep quiet while my body dies, I have to fight not to run to her, take her in my arms and kiss her, so hungry am I for her and her loving kisses.

Just as I thought, 2005, my TARDIS wisely brought me to the very year I'll meet her. Now I see her as she was, just before all the chaos and all the traveling molded her into the alien fighter that she'll become. I long to tell her more than just she'll have a great year. I long to give her the reasons why. But I keep silent and watch with love in my eyes as my beloved goes back to the Powell Estate and enters the building. I notice that as she climbs the stairs, she glances out through the glass and sees me again. I wonder if deep inside, something has told her how important I really am to her. I like to think that unconsciously she knows who I am but unfortunately, I'll never know for sure.

I wait till she disappears up the stairs before I make the long, laborious walk back to my TARDIS. I've done what I set out to do. I said my goodbyes. I saved the best for last and now…it's time to get my reward.


End file.
